♥juliet's blinked pills♥

love comes vengeance

2009-04-26T22:56:00.002+08:00

i am ever cut

ripped all the way to my heart

you killed me

you haunt me so

when this will ever end...

those memories

where you and me

were happier

and you'd called me your honey bee...

i just hate you

i hate you

you break my heart

oh this vengeance is taking me nowhere...

this void is all over me

eating me alive from within my heart

you found another one

i am left all alone

this mixed feelings

uncertain

but i'm dead screaming

screaming all out inside

that i somehow feel drown inside myself

drowning for you

you who's not worth it!

oh i hate you

i hate you

all the things you've done

you killed me alive

you ripped me raw

you saddened me immortally

i wish that you're dead

better than seeing you around

with somebody else than me!

this hatred grown out of the love i had for you

it just putting me down

dragging me to the terror of vengeance

but i am done

i prefer to see myself dead

rather than having you haunting me

for the rest of my life!

i hate adabarze

2009-04-25T22:02:00.003+08:00

i'd never know what's novacaine. but if i'm ever given a chance to swallow one, i'd definitely take that chance. this thing i think i mixed up with love, i just getting tired of it. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired being jealous. i'm tired for him to notice me. when is it going to be over. i just can't hold on to it anymore. love is pain. i just want him to feel how i feel all this while. i just want him to notice that i am the only one who'd love him, understand him more than anyone, more than his birth relatives. i just hate him. i hate him. i hate him. I HATE ADAB-ARZE!!!

want

2009-04-23T19:06:00.001+08:00

i'm just wishing that he sees me again. i want him to know how i feel for him. just once and i want him to understand. and tell me, why he'd left me then...

painful

2009-04-23T13:28:00.002+08:00

typical human nature. we always put ourself in a reckless situation. as for me, i always been around people who'd hurt me. always yearn for someone that's not worth it. or maybe i was just being curious. why'd he left me. why not without a word. sometimes i know what the answer might be, and just sometimes i refused to think about it - only being curious all the time, why'd he left without a word. what have i've done wrong. it's a painful thoughts and tiring drying me off my blood for love deep inside that i'd stop - but for awhile. just when he appear, i'll flashed back to that time. why. the irony is that i don't even have the courage to ask him. because he once, reject me. without a reason. yes, perhaps i know the answer, but its just that i'm not getting enough with my thought. i need to hear it from him. but absolutely not when i ask him. i don't want a tense situation because i know it'll put me in an awkward scenario. oh just i hate it that i have a very complicated mind... this ego is so all over myself. just to get that simple answer, i surrender to my ego.

grieving over him

2009-04-23T12:58:00.002+08:00

days passed by and each day i'll be grieving over him. it's such a waste. and it's painful, indeed. i can't get over him since he's my first love and i can't get it why he'd left without saying goodbye. i meant, isn't it a perfect reason to just get over him...

fall apart

2009-04-22T22:25:00.005+08:00

i'm falling apart. i just saw him flirt with a girl cyberly, just like the way he asked me to be his hunny bunny along time ago. and that's a big heartbreaking indeed.

now i know, i will never get a perfect person like him anymore.

but i don't get it. being a jerk he is i still yearn for him. i should've forget him for what he've done to me before. he left me without saying goodbye. what does that really mean? i hate that everytime i log on to that social website, the one that i attached to all this time, being loyal i am, i can't resist the urge of me to check up his news. i hate it. i hate myself.

once, then. i was browsing through the friendster then came stumbled on his profile. i tried to add him but seems like he rejected mine. am i that disgust to him? is that what's it all about? outter beauty? i hate him. i hate himself.

only a new man will cure this pain. but when will there be a new person? sometimes it's just unbearable, it's pain, like a cancer growing inside of me - my deepest bottom of my heart. i hate it. i hate itself!

soulmate

2009-03-22T18:23:00.002+08:00

i'm waiting for a guy who can be my soulmate for the rest of OUR lives. physical, mentally and emotionally. everything that i ever want. nope, not that i'm regretting something that i've done in the past, just that i'll slipped in in with my other experiences - in lives. throughout my life.

sometimes i feel it's hard to wait on him. but sometimes i think it's worth the wait, i mean something's good will ever happen against all odds.

can't wait for that to happen, though...

i need a boyfriend?

2009-03-18T15:17:00.006+08:00

i'm not sure if that's the right word to describe my years of boyfriend-experiences. or should i put an 'ex' on the title so it fits perfectly. then why bother, just let it be.

my first boyfriend was a junkies. i'm not sure if he still is. but i just don't care because it's history. better he been gone from my life like others. they're just bitter part of my memories. my first courting only last for months. and we only met once. i'm not a social able person, maybe that's where my problem comes from. my first and the last night with him were merely nothing more than cuddling, like boy/girl-friend. things get worse when kath told the whole school i'm whoring with him. i was not. it's not that he get into me. that's when i learnt, friend can eat friend. and that's the first roll.

my second boyfriend is sweet and naughty. we're in the same school since primaries. he's my secret admirer. i think he's sweet because he's younger (months) and smaller than me, and naughty because he always tease me back in the days before he said he love me. he wrote a letter to me, said he wanted to court me, but i refused. because i'm not ready, besides, i treat him like my little brother. can't think more than that. he never give up. the next two year he gave another try. through kate. yes, kate again. as if i was never regret befriended her. but believe me, what comes after, really makes me regret more. kath give me a call on late noon. telling me freddie (again) wants to court me. imagining the power that kath got (she's the alpha 'male' of the 'herd'), i said, 'why not, i'll give it a try then'. afterall, she can't blame me if it don't last since she pushed me to say 'yes' to freddie. and i really regret it. we only last for a week. and again, kath told things about me. telling that i'm not worth to be friend of, or to be court of. friend eat friend.

it just struck me that she did the same, i mean she did turn down a guy's move to court her. see, she can decline when she's not happy, why can't we not decline when we're not? that's how selfish she can get herself into. glad that her life's miserable nowadays.

my third boyfriend, i guess he's my really first love. and we only met once. even my dad (and the whole family) knows how he look like. that's why i yearn for him. alot. although his attitude's killing me sometime, but i love his every bits. he is who he is. but yet again, i'm not that perfect anymore - so why should i wait?

my fourth boyfriend, matthew. this one is the slightest relationship i ever had. we only last for hours. yes, within a night. found out that he's not a good person and managed to flight before i get into anything serious. glad. because months later he's a dad.

my fifth boyfriend, gg. i guess in term of courting, i got the most of it from him. except for the physical part. and that's killing me. but i'm glad we don't. because he worth nothing. at last he betrayed me, alot more than he talks, defending his stupid friggin for nothing ass. he treat me like a doll, as if i'll know nothing about his dirty secrets, i'd known better.

my sixth boyfriend, amie. maybe it's something about the number, because i had my first sex with him. friggin, yeah. something i reward myself on my 20th birthday. sounds stupid, but i don't and never regret it. for since then i know, who's the real guy i'm yearning amongst all. but afterall, he's not that perfect. okay, rip off the 'that', he's a freakin junkies, jerks, pervert... he's everything you don't want for a boyfriend. but no, i don't regret it.

that's a series of my life around boyfriends in years. and i'm still looking for someone who'd take me for who i am.

force

2009-03-16T18:45:00.002+08:00

i don't like it when people push me to do something, moreover if it's something that i hate. i'll ended up messing up. that's why i don't push people if i'm doing something, because i really know how it feels to be push and what's the consequences doing so.

i'm glad that both my parents understand this part of me. but most of the time, i'm willing to help them - eg. in house chores. because i think both my brothers will not saving their asses for something they're not having advantage of. byhere, i feel like i'm useful. yes, i'm proud to help (es. my parents) because it makes me so useful, and i contributes.

incomplete

2009-03-14T18:04:00.004+08:00

i feel effin incomplete today. just came back from town, bought some things. sadly can't use it right away due to my wisdom tooth-ache and this just shutting off my mood.

addingmore, the ecommerce's lecturer just mention that we need to gather 4-5 members for the first assignment. it's making me uneasy and it's cutting my throat open to be away from my usual member. geez, as if i can't live without them. but that's not the case. i'm phobia and allergic of my classmates, other than my usual hangouts. they're (other classmates) are selfish, cruel and have to sense of humanity (oh, let's not forget that they're effin lack of tolerance). i hate them alot. oh, another one - hypocrites and taking advantages. they're the real freaks, actually. and not us, the unwanted ones as they say.

oh, just enough. i'm too carried away by my negative mindsets. should stop now.

hanging by a moment

2009-03-14T00:59:00.005+08:00

somehow i crave the times when i was still with ezra. things were way different back then. us, then.

and i still can't get a clue why he left me, no goodbye and not even a breakup word. he left without a word. and now i miss him. i miss him when he splurge any problem he's having to me. i miss it when he says goodnight. i miss it when he says 'i love you'. i miss all the quarrels we ever get ourselves into. i miss his tease.

i googled up his name and stumbled upon his account on rp.com. he is on rp.com. i was wondering if he ever go across my page and wonder whatever happens to me. will he ask me? will he say hi? will he be the same person as i know before? did he still have any feelings left for me? is he mad at me? oh, the questions just driving me crazy.

yet again, i've to face the reality. i did miss him. but i shouldn't expect he feels the same as mine.

of all the guys i've dated, he's the best. although he's fussy and kind of picky... i love him whoever he is.

p/s: but i still tell people that he's not that handsome as he claim himself to be.

update:

if i could cry, i'd be pouring over him right now. i'm freakin not over him.

feelings...

2009-03-13T19:34:00.002+08:00

...are commonly related to human.

indeed, it is what differ us from any other creation in this world,

like cats and trees.

what's so sudden with feeling?

because from now on, this blog will evolves around how i feel...

toying around

2009-03-11T21:08:00.004+08:00

i've been toying around with this blog since i established it. can't get rid of it because i love the name so much. "juliet's blinked pills". it means alot to me. and of course, there's a funny incident involving this title.

still, i'm out of clue. what should i do with this blog.

the first time for a thousandth

2009-03-11T01:26:00.006+08:00

-testing platform-